i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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