You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
