Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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