i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
