dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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