there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
