also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
