broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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