the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
