Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
