can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
