don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
