Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
