then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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