News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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