i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
