Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
