u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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