I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
