update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
