like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
