Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
