If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
