Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
