wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
