I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
