new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
