If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
