he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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