someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
