OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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