"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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