life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
