If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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