Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
