Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
