Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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