did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
