you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
soo... how was my night?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
