his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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