Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im holly from the hills drunk
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
