Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
