Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
