How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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