She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
