i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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