remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
