i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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