you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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