The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
