working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
