I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
